THE NOW SOUND

Uncomfortable in my body feels like a pit in my stomach and a weight on my shoulders. I feel myself get smaller. It’s the sensation of being cornered with nowhere to escape. It’s the space of awkwardness and unease. From what I have experienced in life, being uncomfortable meant that something isn’t right or the worst is yet to come.

I anticipate things to take a downhill slide when I feel uncomfortable and find myself exiting situations (maybe pre-maturely and maybe not) as a defence mechanism to avoid any more pain. I’m sure we have all been hurt before and have maybe stuck around in a situation for way too long when really, it hurts us, damages our ideologies and we become more jaded because of it. These learned reactions to situations create trauma in us (whether it’s little T or big T).

Do you remember the first time you were yelled at or the first time someone hit you? Even that first heartbreak or rejection falls deep into our souls and sits underneath the surface for us to feel some sort of normalcy every day. Those feelings linger and we do everything in our power to protect ourselves the best we can from ending up in the same place again and again. Depending on how much damage has been done, we may isolate ourselves from all the good, bad, and ugly. A dog that has been abused as a puppy will growl or try to bite if someone tries to pet them. They might not be in danger but their instinct is to protect themselves when a hand is raised to them. Now, I can’t tell the dog to stop thinking that way or coerce them to just accept the pats. That is up to the dog to get to that place by themselves.

We are similar to that poor pup: hurt and scared. Hurt that someone was able to treat us so poorly. Scared that someone will do that again. As much as we block out the hurt, we also block out the healing. I have had my heart broken early on and it crushed me. For a long time after that, I was finding reasons to end any potential healthy relationship. If a disagreement would start and there was tension in the room, I’d simply end things because I was so afraid to have someone walk away from me again. Conflict is not always a bad word. In fact, there can’t be growth if there isn’t struggle. Feeling uncomfortable is the presence of change; feeling unsafe is when in danger or in the reach of harm. Although there is so much in common between the two, I now identify whether it brings me growth or brings me down. And that has made all the difference.