THE NOW SOUND

There is a small moment right before a decision has to be made where the possibility to alter and change the course of one’s life exists. That or perhaps the lack there of. Sometimes, we do not realize the severity in the moment and to others, that moment means nothing at all. It seems like I usually have two different ways of thinking right before I need to take action: no thought at all and acting through intuition and impulse or a flurry of over-thinking that can delay or even paralyze any sort of decision. Before I go any further, I want to applaud you and all those who have tried and failed time and time again yet still proceed forward as if they have never been burnt before. Today, I want to celebrate those who have gotten their heart broken yet can still love as if it was their first time. To those people who believe that they could get it right if they give it one more chance; we can all learn from you.

When I look at my life, I see a ‘choose your own adventure’ book. You know those ones you used to read as a kid where you had to turn to page 5 if you wanted the protagonist to go and slay the dragon guarding the mouth of the cave that leads to buried treasure or turn to page 8 if you wanted to sneak past the castle’s guard in order to reach the princess locked in the top of the tower who holds the key to true happiness and peace. Usually the decisions I make in my life can be perceived as no where as exciting as slaying dragons and saving damsels but for some reason, it can be easier to make choices in a book like that than to do so in our every day lives. It is easier to pretend to be brave than to have to be brave for ourselves. Within these books, the decision is easier to make because the only choices are to do one or the other. Never have I seen in a ‘choose your own adventure’ book do they say, “beat the beast, save the girl, or you know what? Just stay home because both sound so dangerous and you don’t want to put yourself in harm’s way.”

In real life, the choice to do nothing is a wild choice to have. Half the time, I don’t think we realize that we are actively choosing to not make a decision when we are putting it off or procrastinating on the decision. No one ever told me that not making a choice was a choice in itself. The amount of times where I can see that I am being forced to make a choice and take action and decide to pick up my phone and doom scroll through instagram instead is a little embarrassing and comforting at the same time but what does that accomplish? The decision to shut down, to be run by fear, to stay the same is one in the same whether we want to recognize that or not. Are we afraid of being wrong? Is it the silent judgement of our peers that prevent us from breaking through? Are we lazy and incompetent instead of acting lazy and feeling incompetent?

As kids, we are ignorant to the dangers that come with consequence. We act boldly, some could say foolishly. As kids, we are at a disadvantage because we are not as wise as our adult counterparts who have seen and learned first hand. But why is it that it is so hard to be both wise and fearless? Perhaps if we gave more attention to that moment before the decision, we would find the bravery to step ahead despite all the odds.

We cannot control the opinions of others but we can control that of ourselves the way we perceive this world. Let us celebrate those who try and embrace those who fall. Stop saying “I told you so” and replace it with “you showed me”. If we can come from empathy and compassion for oneself and each other, that voice of doubt will no longer disguise itself as the voice of reason. We can support one another and change the message that has been instilled and broadcasted to us by painful memories and traumas.

I am not immune to the fear of failure. For the last year, I have been avoiding writing because I thought my words mean nothing. For the last year, I have worked as a server at a restaurant because I’m good at it and it’s easy in comparison to starting and maintaining my own private practice as a life coach. Imposter syndrome is so real. For the last year, I dreamed of moving to a different country but was afraid that when I moved here, I would be the exact same. So consider this article to be my first move in the right direction. A conscious choice of deliberate decision to break out of complacency and to enter the race to be the person I want to be rather than being satisfied with (or begrudgingly and silently hating) who I am. No, this one blog post does not replace the time lost but rather let this be the catalyst of more decisions to be made.