THE NOW SOUND

It’s quite funny that the person that is supposed to love you the most is the person that can hurt you the most.

I am not referring to your partner or your parents or your friends for that matter. I am talking about the one person who is always there with you: yourself.

Although a lot of the fear we possess is learned through life, we start to take on the belief that we are destined to always have the same outcome every time we are faced with the same challenge. May it be putting our trust in another person or living in fear of the unknown.

I know I am guilty of putting myself down and overthinking situations with limiting beliefs that I cannot do it. I am accustomed to accepting unfortunate events as “I deserve not to have happiness” and giving up on difficult situations prematurely because if I fail then I could lean on the idea that “I didn’t even try in the first place”. To think that I am not worth happiness, love, and success, often enough starts to become true. Whether it is conscious or subconscious, I have set limitations for myself that come from a place of comfort and complacency. I notice my train of thoughts and questions often start with “what if…” and are followed with the worst-case scenario. I give power to my self-doubt and breathe it in. It lives in my cells and I can feel the negativity seep outwards.

So I find myself in this dark cave alone surrounded by the echoes of my own criticism. It’s nice in this cave, still. Safe, comforting, isolated from others’ points of view and possible hurt. I protect myself from disappointment and failure. Is this all I am? Is this what life is supposed to be? If I stay here then, yes.

But if and only if, I was to decide to leave and venture off into the wilderness, what would I find? As any great outdoorsman knows, you can’t go on a great adventure unless you are well equipped. I would bring my self-awareness, intuition, knowledge, and open-mindedness!

Self-awareness is the understanding of ones values and how they effect their thoughts, actions, and emotions. Being able to understand why I do, say, or think what I do helps gain insight towards who I am today or even drive change into the person I want to become moving forward. It is hard to be self-aware when my understanding of myself comes from negative connotation. I might think I am ugly, stupid, and worthless at times but there are people that love me who would say otherwise. Their perspective on me should be taken into consideration because they see me in a way that the rest of the world might too. I can’t discredit that.

Intuition is that gut feeling that guides me. There sometimes is no rhyme or reason as to what makes me feel this way but I learn to trust in myself to make the right decisions. It’s the natural feeling that does not take cognitive reasoning into account. Scary, isn’t it? To trust yourself blindly. That is why self-awareness is so important! Understanding the makeup of my identity through values gives me a clear picture of the direction I step in. If it doesn’t feel right, simply, I won’t do it. If it does feel right and I find out that I made an unfavourable decision, I learn from it. Does it feel good to be ‘wrong’? Heck no! The beauty in making mistakes is learning to adapt and when acting from a place of self-awareness, the understanding that I did all that I could do breeds acceptance.

Knowledge is power, they say. Learning to not play with fire as a kid kept me safe but learning fire safety can keep me safer. Understanding that a fire can burn down my house and do unfixable damage is a scary thought that makes me never want to light a candle inside – but I still do it. There is living with precaution and there is living in fear. I have had people tell me “don’t fall in love, you’ll only get hurt” and for a long time, I pushed people away avoiding potential heartbreak and pain. I wouldn’t open up and when situations required me to be vulnerable. It was so easy to walk away. I had this false sense of security even though the idea of love was something I wanted. I would not allow myself to get that far. When I did feel that flame, the warmth that came from allowing that love in, I would panick and imagine what it would feel like to not have it again and that sheer paranoia did drive some people away. Moral of the story: you can get burned or you can freeze instead. The alternative is to be careful and enjoy while it lasts.

Lastly, is to be open-minded. The “what if”s never go away. I have reframed them to be both positive and negative like a pros and cons list. Open mindedness to me means that I can accept if something doesn’t go as planned and I can roll with the punches. I stay open to the possibility of what if it does work out and if not, that’s okay too. Sometimes, life doesn’t give you what you want but what you need instead.

I do my best to remember who I am, to listen to my heart, to remember what I’ve learned, and to be open to the journey. I won’t ever know what is over the hill until I make it to the top and I can only get there if I take one step at a time. Be bold, be brave, and believe that you can. I believe in you.