THE NOW SOUND

The Merriam-Webster’s definition on what feedback is as per the mechanical sense is, “2: the return to the input of a part of the output of a machine, system, or process (as for producing changes in an electronic circuit that improve performance or in an automatic control device that provide self-corrective action)”. You may have heard sounds like this when a microphone is too close to a speaker or through an old radio dialled between stations. These unpleasant sounds make us adjust our actions so we can hear the crisp, beautiful sounds intended to be heard.

The same rules apply when we are receiving feedback; we put something out into the space and others sharing that space may have something to say about our actions. For example, has your boss ever said “can we talk after work? I have some feedback for you,” or your mom says “we’re going to have to talk about this when we get home”. For me, I can feel the change of tightness in my body almost bracing me to be berated or criticized for something I have done. I used to put blame on the giver of the feedback for how I would feel in the moment. Commonly, feeling as if their comment was a personal attack on who I am when in actuality, people would give me their time to explain their opinion in order to help me improve. Kay, I’m definitely not going as far as to say my mom was always right but she had a point. “Don’t wear short shorts,” she said. My mom would always have an opinion on how I dressed and as a young girl blossoming into an opinionated teenager, all I could think about is how my mom doesn’t understand fashion these days and wants to make my life harder. Now that I am much older, I understand that my mom only cared to protect me.

She maybe wasn’t the greatest at giving feedback to me. It always sounded blunt and coarse. I find family has a knack for cutting out the civiltries with one another. Then again, we don’t have a choice on who wants to give us a little feedback but rather, we have control on how we react to it. Feedback is not fact but opinions. You have the choice to take it with a grain of salt or make big changes because of it. Feedback is how we come across in life. I may be tired and expressionless at 8am in the morning but my peers may think I’m checked out and not listening. I really am thankful I have people that care about me enough to bring it to my attention! Will I stop being tired? No. It has brought awareness to me of what others might feel when I am like this in their presence and I don’t want that for them. A smile in the morning and an energetic posture might do those around me more good than bad to me so why not.

Feedback is scary to not only receive but also to give. Giving feedback, for me, is almost scarier than receiving it because as an empath, I would never want to put someone down even if that was not my intention. I am always worried that I will hurt or be wrong. Frank A. Clark, an American politician said, “criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man’s growth without destroying his roots.” Giving feedback should not be about teaching someone a lesson or changing the person fundamentally. Similar to the approach I take in my coaching practice is that I can only reflect what I see and be clear with my motivation of sharing this information. It is up to the listener to decide what they do with that information and me to be okay with no attachment to the outcome.

Giving and receiving feedback is a skill and can be practiced daily. When I used to be a manager in restaurants, I would not only give constructive feedback but also positive reinforcement and I would strive to do three positives to one constructive a day. I make sure that my listener is okay to hear my delivery just in case they are having a bad day; I wouldn’t want to make it worse. Me as the listener, I prefer hearing anything than hearing nothing at all. I embrace perspective and the time taken to give it to me.

Feedback can be awkward. It can sound like static or screeches. It is the crucial ingredient for deeper growth. The loud scream in silence. The friend on the playground who pushes you off because they like you. The tunnel into deeper communication. Don’t be afraid of it, lean into it. Listen.