THE NOW SOUND

I have this best friend. We started becoming close around two years ago when the COVID pandemic was just starting. Like most friendships, our relationship blossomed over shared interests and common experiences. Even though personality wise we are total opposites, we really bonded. We began working together, hanging out all the time, and having lots of sleepovers. We became inseparable. We even lived together!

As time went on and she felt more comfortable with me, the more she shared her story with me. The more she let herself be vulnerable which was a difficult thing for her. As a friend, I wanted to help her. No one likes to see their friend hurting so I helped the best way I thought I could; I tried to fix her in a way. “It’s going to be okay” and “at least you aren’t in that situation anymore” seemed like the right thing to say at the time. It’s when the stories got deeper and darker, I found my helpful remarks to sound more ingenuine. I realized that what she has gone through is so much more than I could personally comprehend because I would never understand what it was like to live a day in her shoes. She didn’t need me to make her life sunshine and rainbows. She just wanted me to be there and listen. She wanted me to weather the storm with her not run inside and grab an umbrella. That is when I realized how I could really be of help. The more I understood this, the less I would interject my opinion to her in other aspects of our lives like love and work. It made me listen more closely and to do so with an open heart. Only when she asked for my advice would I give it.

I’m sure we have all been in a situation where we tell our friends about a problem we are having and everyone seems to chime in with their own bias.

“My boyfriend and I are fighting.”
“Then leave him!”

“I’m having a hard time at work.”
“Just quit.”

“I’m feeling depressed.”
“Don’t worry, you can’t be sad forever. Try not to think about it.”

This has happened to me and it made it way more difficult to navigate the path that was right for me. Of course our friends mean well and only want the best for us but the only person who really knows what’s best for you is you. That doesn’t mean you can’t get advice from people you trust but take it with a grain of salt. If it doesn’t work out because of something your friend told you, it might build up animosity towards them.

My friend and I created a system to help in our relationship. We would ask each other when a problem would come up if its support or advice that they were looking for. I have to say, it really helped diminish conflict and misunderstandings and ultimately, the person sharing would get what they wanted out of the conversation.

There came a point in our friendship where my indirect communication was coming off in a way that I never meant it to. To be more specific, my friend thought I was a bad friend to her. She moved away to a different country and told me through text. I felt hurt and surprised that she thought this way of me and I felt challenged since it would be harder to mend because of the distance. My first instinct was to defend myself but after some reflection, I put my pride aside and had to see from her perspective. It’s hard to not react when it feels as if you are being attacked but more than anything, I wanted us to stay good. In this case, because I was obviously the problem, I’d be the solution too.

I acknowledged how she felt and told her that she has every right to feel this way. If she thought I was being a bad friend then I was a bad friend. I did put my point across that it was never my intention to hurt her but it is now what I do moving forward to change the way I acted. Being half way across the world made it difficult but it was important to me to do it.

It is not our job to fix people or fix the things that happen to them. We can only control ourselves and I definitely had to make peace with that. My friendship helped me practice empathy. I am a better person for it. My friendship is stronger because of it. For that, I am so grateful.