THE NOW SOUND

“I always date assholes” or “I have bad taste in (wo)men”. Have you ever said this before or have heard a friend say it? In a world and time where we seem to get out less and log on more, there seems to be a lack of communication fundamentally. In my social circles, texting is the prominent choice of communicating. Photos seem to be the new personality. Dating has become virtual and looks more like a catalogue where you browse the selection, try something on, and if it doesn’t fit just right, you end up returning it.

Today, I want to scratch the surface of the dating pool focusing on dating apps and why it’s probably not working out for you. Even if you are looking for something casual or just wanna see how things go, there is this unspoken hurt that comes from ending any connection with another human. It could be described as disappointment or grief. So without further ado, let’s jump into the typical life cycle of dating.

Our search of companionship stems from wanting to share with another person our experiences. Feelings of loneliness, emptiness, and even boredom can drive us to fill our time. What better way to escape the reality of our physical lives than to turn to social media! For those who are unfamiliar about what apps like Hinge and Tinder look like, it’s a collection of images and small captions to attract the attention of a possible mate.

We all have expectations even if we don’t think we do. Either based on your ideal situation or how the other person looks like/can add to your life. I used to say “I have a type” and my dating history definitely showed strong patterns of that. I also had filters and borders of what I didn’t want in a relationship based on my own previous experiences and unfortunately, the example set by my own parents and the other unhealthy relationships around me. So I’d hop on the app and swipe, swipe, swipe until someone catches my attention. I would match with a few people, start chatting with them, and I’d know that they are all doing the same so I would act like it’s no big deal. What I never realized was that the only person I was really fooling was myself. I secretly desired fireworks and romance and a deep connection but was actually pretending that I was ‘okay’ with whatever happens, happens. What ended up happening was nothing. Personally, I never had positive experiences on dating apps but that’s not to say it won’t work for everyone.

So conversations would start, some would fizzle out after the first three lines, others would make it to a date or two, the rest ended messily if you let it. Once you make contact with someone, you have now entered the realm of acquaintances. It really shocks me how people can treat you without ever even meeting you. I once told a guy I was not interested and he sent me a long paragraph on how I was a horrible person for not wanting to meet up and told me I was making a big mistake. He had some choice words for me. That was such a turn off but another thing that does not sit well with me and seems to have become a part of our culture is ‘ghosting’. Ghosting is the act of which you are talking to one person one day and the next, you never hear from them again. I have been guilty of doing it and it has happened to me. My advice: let’s stop doing that to each other. Moving along.

Let’s say we make it to that first date and just by looking at their profile, I am already envisioning what they sound like, how tall they are going to be, and almost idolize them for the glamour they portrayed online. The first impression is a lasting one and I am quick to make my decision whether this carries on or not. For the sake of this post, let’s say it goes well and we continue on seeing each other. I think we are so fast to take someone’s kindness and mistake that for true connection. I have friends who want to get married but will settle for a guy who doesn’t want any sort of commitment because he is ‘her type’. Our need to fill our boredom or loneliness is now met yet we don’t spring the important questions right away. In fact, we shy away from any serious conversation because we don’t want to taint the good time we are having. It’s like we are so scared to hear the answers that we don’t want to hear. Other times, we don’t even know what questions are important for us to ask. Now, maybe don’t bring up marriage and kids right away but it’s okay to talk about where you are coming from and where you are going.

As we get to know each other, the excitement fades away and other parts of personality start to show. Morals might come into play. The next new shiny thing might come along and the interaction no longer feels as good. This is ultimately the dread of getting into any sort of connection – the end. The fear could be that we were not in control of the timing or that you let someone in only to have them walk out. Prince/Princess Charming is actually just a frog and you cannot believe that you even let that toad near you! At the end of the day, you’re gonna be ‘fine’ because there are still a lot of fish in the sea and you were always one foot out anyways. So you hop back on to the app and keep on with the cycle.

Explaining that once was exhausting. To succumb to that over and over and over again is even worse! No wonder our generation seems to be so jaded and disconnected from each other. No one wants to be part of the statistic that fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Everyone is scared to get hurt and nobody really wants to talk about it! If you want to stop the vicious, toxic dating cycle than something has to change.

Before you even begin to talk to someone else, be sure about what you want whether it’s what you want to get out of the relationship or what you value in one. The compatibility that is between you two doesn’t just come from your zodiac signs – if you want something deep and meaningful, the person you are getting to know should know what they want too. Be open and honest and it will work out the way it’s supposed to. Honesty is the basis of any good relationship and if you can’t start there… well, i don’t know what to tell you. You are going to find that you’ll be saving a lot of time, money, and energy when you spend more time connecting to the person across from you. I would also consider only talking to one person at a time. Relationships take work and to try to build a proper connection, focus is required. Friendships make for great relationships too but perhaps, that’s another story for another time.