THE NOW SOUND

Ego is that little voice inside your head that tells you that you are important, the best in fact! You are good-looking and so funny and everybody wants to be your friend. Having an ego is not a bad thing. It is actually entirely human to have one. What is dangerous about the ego is that the higher it takes you, the farther you fall. Let me start off by saying this: there is nothing wrong with being proud of yourself. I highly encourage it! Where the danger comes in is when you start to compare yourself to others and let physical and material influences define you.

I have always been competitive my entire life. My brother would always want to verse me in games (probably for the confidence boost since we are seven years apart) but I always fought for the slim chance that I would come out the victor. That same competitive spirit followed me into soccer and then dance and now golf. Every time I lost, it didn’t feel great but whenever I would win… man, I felt like a million bucks! I had confidence exuding from my aura and a smile that probably looked too big for my face. I didn’t care though because I ruled in that moment.

That rush I got from winning a big match or carrying a first place trophy off the stage is second to none. It has an addicting quality to it. So much in fact that I constantly compare myself to others in order to feel good without even really knowing that I am doing it. “She is way too loud” or “he’d be a lot more attractive if he was taller” are some judgemental statements disguised as ‘innocent observations’. My words would trigger a reaction in my mind that I was better off even if I didn’t say so out loud.

I had a great career and lots of opportunities for me over the last few years. I was placed in leadership positions with more responsibility and I identified as being a good worker. It felt good to be thought of in such high regard. I always wanted more out of life and tried my hand at a new career and in a short six weeks, I was told that I “wasn’t the right fit”. I was absolutely devastated. Did I not do my job right? Was I unlikable? Was there a better candidate than me? I had so many questions that I would never get the answers to and my self worth deteriorated quickly. I’d lie in bed all day without the energy to get up and take a shower even. That false sense of love and pride I once had was stripped and gone and all I had left was a worthless person looking back at me in the mirror.

Even though I was low, judgement of others still crossed my mind. Things like “his car is so much nicer than mine” or “she’s so lucky she has a figure like that”. I was subconsciously putting myself in a place of lack. I felt bad enough but my mind just kept going. I was in that dark place where I thought I was pitiful and not as important anymore based on the strangers I would see in the streets. My ego gave me a false sense of worth and was the same thing to bring me to a depressive state. IT disguised itself as love only to watch me fall. That love for myself that I felt before was stripped away so I went looking for it again by making other, more harsh judgements (mostly about strangers I know nothing about) to make me feel better and it cycles again and again. If you are familiar with this emotional roller coaster, you would understand how exhausting it can be. Always trying to please the world or justify yourself to society and when you feel as if you are not enough, it seems that the world turns their back on you.

I want you to know that is not the case, no matter how real it may feel. I ended up taking a silent retreat to be alone with nature and my thoughts. I felt as though I disappeared, like I was no one. The forest didn’t care that I had no job and the animals would not stop to acknowledge me. There was a realization of acceptance as part of the environment with no prerequisite to act in a certain manner or my worth measured by my resume. Like light is the opposite of dark, real love is to the ego. Ego disguises itself as love but there is only one true, unconditional, unrequited love. The kind a mother would have for her child or God for his people or the love that you would (or should) have for yourself. Self love is defined as “regard for one’s own happiness.” There are so many people that struggle with loving themselves. Why? Take a guess. E.G.O. Self love is free of negative talk and being kind to yourself in order to be your best self to perform at your best. Little tidbit of advice: be kind to yourself.

And thats why I say, DEATH TO EGO! Well, at least try to be aware of it. When you judge someone then you have already judged yourself but when you see them with love, the love is returned to you. The less power you give to the ego, the more love you will find in and around you. They say when one reaches enlightenment, they are their purest self. I hope to get there one day one step at a time.